Paul, Simon & Alistair
Lyndhurst, New Forest
Could you introduce yourselves and tell me about the original photograph?
Simon: Hello, I'm Simon
Alistair: I'm Alistair, and the original picture is from Lyndhurst in the New Forest. It was the start of a bike ride that me, Paul and Simon were going on.
S: It was probably 2017 in the summer holidays
A: Something like that!
S: Not a million years ago.
Could you describe the picture for me?
A: It's the three of us just at the start, before we set off, as I would usually do in a group thing with the three of us, I would want to take a selfie, just a silly photo to capture the moment. Paul's there with his professional smile, I've got a silly look on my face and Simon's...
S:...pulling a ridiculous expression. It's fairly typical from all of us, doing exactly what you'd expect us to be doing!
A: But one of us looks the best, and it's not either of us! It was a quick picture and then we cracked on with our little bike ride.
Was getting together like that something you did fairly often?
S: Increasingly, at that stage, because Paul lived in France for quite a long time and at this point he'd been back in the UK for not very long. So we were spending more time together as a trio, which we had done before, but then less so whilst he'd been away. So we did quite a few things, just the three of us.
A: I think we had a movie night, we went to the cinema a few times.
S: Yeah, a couple of pub lunches
A: Classic weekend activities, but Paul was really fond of cycling, and would jump at the chance to do it. I wanted to cycle more and you had a bike anyway, so it was a natural thing to do on a nice day in the New Forest.
S: It wasn't something we'd done previously, but as something to do with a bit of time and we were interested in doing, so we took off and did something different. It was probably a Saturday in the summer holidays.
Do you remember much of the day?
A: I don't remember much in detail, but thinking about it, we probably had a rough route in mind and would cycle until we got hungry and were near a pub.
S: We knew the New Forest well enough to know a few of the bigger towns and that there's between 5-10km between them, so we just met in Lyndhurst and knew that Brockenhurst is maybe about 8km that way, so lets cycle there and see how we're feeling. Then off to Beaulieu and stopped at a pub that I knew of, got our lunch and sat on a bench outside the front of the pub on the water there which was nice. Then we just cycled back to Lyndhurst, but it was probably close to nearly 30km all the way, and it took the majority of the day.
A: I do remember now you mention about sitting outside the pub, Buckler's Hard wasn't it.
S: Yeah, that's right.
A: It was quite warm and we sat on the benches. We'd pushed our bikes the last bit of the way to get there and I think there was something on the way out about the fact that we weren't supposed to have cycled through one way or the other. I do remember it being warm, but nice to cycle through the New Forest because you've got the breeze, shade, beautiful views all around.
“Me and him almost share a birthday, his was the day after mine, so quite often around that weekend early in July the three of us would go for a pub lunch. It was the 8th of July, the day before my birthday, that we'd had lunch together and we didn't realise it would be the last one. Totally out of the blue.”
What did it feel like to go back there today?
A: It wasn't quite the same. It was overcast and we weren't going on a bike ride, and obviously Paul wasn't there. Thinking about the picture specifically and going there today, linking the two together, I've got a lot of fond memories of Paul, and there's just this absence and you ask yourself, where was Paul today? What might we have done if it had been the three of us just catching up after a few months apart.
S: I think as well, the day of that photo, what that held which today didn't so much was the sense of adventure. Although that was a place I was vaguely familiar with, it being a place I've been a bunch of times and roughly know, every bike ride starting from a new place is going to feel like an adventure to some extent. It was something that on that day, even though it's only a bike ride fairly new to home, it was a bit of a throwback to other adventures that we'd had. Paul was much more of an adventurous guy than I am. We've already mentioned that he went and lived in France for a while, I'd never do that, I wouldn't be able to! Just roughly knowing the way and saying, lets try it and see, there was a real sense of adventure to that, which is less true when going back there without him. For me, that was a defining characteristic of his, something that we were able to enjoy together.
A: Today felt safe. We drove there, we got out, wandered, got back in the car, we didn't put ourselves in any sense of danger. It was more about observing the space, when before we'd rode for quite a long distance, cars whizzing by, going down big hills, every now and then there's a horse around a corner which you didn't expect and you don't know what's going to come up as you go along and you can make your own route. That was always fun, Paul was very much someone to give something a go and take a risk. I tend to play things a lot safer, I like the familiarity, what I'm doing, where I'm going, I like to have a map whereas he'd just say, let's just cycle.
S: It was always measured, he wasn't reckless, but he was willing to work it out as we go.
A: Just to see what happens!
He had a house in France, his parents house in France and I went to visit. One evening he just said he was going for a bike ride for an hour, I'll be back at some point. I was thinking, where is he going, does he have a route, but I don't think he did, he just cycled until his time was up and then came back to the house. It's a nice freedom, when you're on a bike you can go anywhere more or less and it was nice to do it with your mates.
“Paul just one day said, 'Oh, I'm going to be a model', which meant that they were doing a photoshoot to go on some promotional material to engage with people who wanted to get involved. He was so proud, showing off about being a published model now! “
What was he like as a friend, as a person? I knew him a little bit, but I don't think I would have ever thought of him as adventurous, so that tells me of the lack of understanding of who I knew him to be, so I'm interested to know who he was.
S: Alistair probably knew him better than I did, you guys lived together and went on holiday more than I did, but I think measured is definitely a fair description for him. It wasn't a wild adventure, but he would want to move out of his comfort zone a bit.
A: I think he had a desire to stretch himself and particularly in terms of travelling the world, he went to quite a few different countries, Canada, Thailand, France, Dubai, and I think he wanted to see a lot of the world and to me, to go and live somewhere, a foreign country and a second language for six or seven years, it's not something I could do and I think it would take a lot of courage to go and live somewhere where you have to not speak English, but he did that. As well as managing a Marks&Spencers store in the middle of the French capital, that's so much pressure, but he wanted to do it, to take that job. He was quite reserved in his outward appearance I think, but you could tell that he was enjoying what he did and there was a passion in there, but he didn't always let on, there might have been a smirk or a glint in his eye to say, yes we're having fun, but I didn't often see him laugh, so when he did laugh it was a big deal!
S: I think the thing about wanting to better himself is so true, and when you look at his career he studied French with Forensic Science, which is a weird combination in the first instance, to do both science and languages is an unusual combination. His career then moved him into business and the French started making sense and he started in retail before climbing through the business side of it and the management role. That's such a diverse set of strengths and personal attributes and characteristics. Each one, I think it's fair to say that he pursued his interests, they were passions even if he didn't talk passionately about it, he wasn't massively demonstrative in that, but more in his steadfast pursuit of what he was doing. For someone to say that if you want to get better at your job or you're interested in following this to take an opportunity in a different country, I'd say sorry mate, not for me, but for Paul, he wanted to pursue this thing and if that's where it was going to take him he'd do it, which is mental.
I've just remembered he did that modelling thing in Paris as well, what a bizarre thing!
A: Yeah! For Marks&Spencers, they were promoting store managers who are doing training and development, and Paul just one day said, 'Oh, I'm going to be a model', which meant that they were doing a photoshoot to go on some promotional material to engage with people who wanted to get involved. He was so proud, showing off about being a published model now!
S: Wasn't it on billboards?!
A: Yeah!
S: I mean, he wasn't literally a model, but he was used as the model in this campaign. Then he moved into teaching...and his photo was used again…
A: He was on the back of the bus!
S: Yeah, to get people into teacher training.
A: Double published model!
These things often just came out of the blue. I remember when he said, 'Oh, I'm moving to France', I was like really, when, and he said next week! What! We were living together at the time and I think he just wanted to make sure everything was sorted and then he would tell you. It was the same with holidays, he just said, 'Sorry I'm not free next week I'm going to Thailand.' or another time, 'I'm going to Canada', well ok, fine! But then it came that he was coming back to England, and that was awesome. Once he'd had enough with the job in France, he came back and it was at that point that we started hanging out together, the three of us, doing what we could, when we could. He was still trying to decide what career to do, and then he got into teaching which I think was always his backup plan and continued with the languages but now just teaching it to kids, which showed he still had that passion after seven years in France.
“I'd been busy in the evening and then looked at my phone and had 8 missed calls between the two of them and thought this isn't great. You'd left me a voicemail saying that I needed to pick up my phone and there was something really important and serious to talk about, or something to that effect and then Emily got hold of me. When I picked up, I said is everything ok and she basically just said, no, Paul's died.“
It sounds to me like there was that passion to explore and a strong sense of ambition, whether that's to try and achieve or see where the road took him, to not be afraid to take that next step to see where he'd go. From what I remember of school he was smart, a high achiever, but in quite an understated way, there was never a sense of pretence or over-egging things, it was very much seemed like part of his nature to be in the top sets but to accept that he could push himself forward and see where it took him.
A: He wouldn't show off about stuff, but if you noticed something he would definitely tell you about it and you'd be impressed. When I'd ask about the shop in France, he wouldn't just tell me that it's a Marks&Spencer store, he'd say it's the number one Marks&Spencer store in France, on the Champs-Élysées in Paris, which was opened by Marc Bolland, CEO of M&S, and I'm the English manager there. So he'd let you know that he's doing ok, doing pretty well, but in a subtle way.
S: It was a whimsical way. It wouldn't be a brag, but more like a, by the way guys, have you noticed this thing I'm involved in is actually pretty good!
A: You'll see me in print media on the backs of buses!
S: Haha, yeah!
A: Cos I'm a published model. Twice.
S: It was charming. He was so charming.
A: It was a very sense of humour, very witty. It could be very savage when he wanted to be.
S: He carried it off though, quite often because his language and accent was quite erudite. He was smart and he'd use fancy words to call you stupid! I learnt the word 'uncouth' from him, which I absolutely am, but I didn't know it until he called me it and I had to look it up! I'm an English teacher, a language expert, but I was still learning words from him about how uncouth I was!
A: Puerile was another
S: Yep, he called me Puerile
A: The number of times he would call me that when we lived together! He also had this phrase, 'Go and wash', which was if I said something which was uncouth or puerile, he'd throw me this look of mock disgust and tell me to go and wash! 'Go and wash yourself'!
In a sense of washing your mouth out?
A: It could apply in any situation. If I'd stayed up all night drinking and got home late and looked rough the next day, he might just look me up and down and tell me to go and wash. Or if I was eating filthy Chinese takeaway and it stunk the house out, it was 'Go and wash'.
I've never heard that before, it's really interesting.
A: It's a phrase that has stuck with a few of the people who I know mutually with Paul. When we're joking about him and we'd say to each other, 'Go and wash', it brings back memories of times he would tell that to you. I do remember turning up at his place once and I hadn't had a shower, it was a hot day and we were going to get some chicken and chips from Marks&Spencers, but he looked at me and said, 'Ugh, what have you been up to? You look awful!', and I just said I hadn't had a shower yet, but he was tutting at me. I know he didn't mean it in a horrible way but it was just him wanting everyone to be at a certain standard. Not be riff-raff!
“It's been tough, but you kind of learn to appreciate that the absence isn't always a bad thing, because when you're aware of it you can think about it and when you have that moment when you're missing someone, you can think about something happy that we did.”
Would you go as far to say that he was a bit eccentric?
S: I don't know if it was quite eccentric, because it wasn't as showy as that, but there was definitely a mock snootiness. It was mock, because maybe he was even laughing at himself because he knew his standards were a little bit posh or higher, but also, he wouldn't ever cut you off for not meeting that standard, it would just be a joke and it was all good humour.
It sounds like he set himself high expectations and he wanted to bring other people up around him as well.
S: Yeah, but in a fun way that was sort of mocking it, whilst also holding that opinion, if that makes sense!
So he came back to England to start teaching and then?
S: Yeah, it was the end of his training year that he passed, so he had one year of teaching, but he did the in school route, so he had a year in a school, knew his team, knew his students. A year of training.
So he would have gone into the following year as a fully qualified teacher and taken on that role?
S: Yeah, and I think the school he was training at had offered him a position. It was right at the end of the school year that it happened.
He'd reached a bit of a junction in his professional career where he'd decided to come back to England and start teaching. Part of that was to do with the troubles in France, the Bataclan and all those things happening in Paris and he didn't feel it was the most comfortable place anymore and wanted to explore a new phase of professional development. I think that's largely brought him back, and he was at the start of this new teaching journey, which I think he was loving.
A: Yeah. I only had a few conversations with him about teaching but he was always really positive. He'd talk about 'my kids' and the class and again he had that sense of pride to be in charge of these kids, supporting and guiding them. He'd have his favourites and knew the naughty ones and how to deal with them and teaching them all certain principles. I was fascinated to get him talking because he didn't often ramble and talk unless it was something he was really passionate about. So when I got him talking about teaching, then he'd start talking. If I got him talking about cycling, he'd go on for ages, but if I was trying to talk about something he wasn't massively interested in, he wouldn't really want to engage that much, so I just had to find a way to unlock his mouth essentially! I'd often find that I'd talk to him about a problem or something and he'd just nod along and tell me what I needed to do and that was it. I will have talked to him for 10 minutes and he just gave me back one sentence!
Unfortunately that was all cut short quite suddenly?
S: Totally out of the blue. Another dynamic is that me and him almost share a birthday, his was the day after mine, so quite often around that weekend early in July the three of us would go for a pub lunch. Quite often he would be back in the UK for his birthday anyway to see family and that sort of stuff. So we'd done it for two or three years prior to our last one. It was the 8th of July, the day before my birthday, that we'd had lunch together and we didn't realise it would be the last one. We got a phone call that evening just out of the blue.
Right at the start of what he thought was an exciting new chapter of what was, without question, going to be a flourishing career. Like we were saying, the way he talked about his students and teaching is exactly what I look for when interviewing trainees or NQT's. The things he was saying were everything you'd want a young teacher to be saying, especially with his management experience, he'd had been climbing the ladder and would've been really influential in any school, especially in a languages department which is typically smaller, he'd have found himself in a really good career trajectory. But yeah. Just totally out of the blue. Plans just go missing don't they.
“There's still part of me that doesn't take it seriously that it can't possibly be right. The last time I saw Paul everything was fine.”
We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but I can't imagine what it feels like to go for lunch with somebody and then get a call in the evening to be told that they've had a heart attack and that they've gone. It's baffling, particularly at the age of 30.
S: Yeah, two days before his 31st birthday. It was bizarre. Because it was a really hot day and he'd said he was feeling hot, but we'd had lunch and went for a walk by the river. He was taking it pretty easy, we didn't go very far and turned around sooner than we would have done because he wasn't feeling great. Had a paddle in the river. In a way, the perfect last day, amazing pub lunch, beautiful pub, lovely garden, great company, a dip in the river. So in some ways, perfect last day, but at the same time, and I don't know how much I've felt this, but you do wonder whether you could have taken him more seriously in the fact that he'd said he wasn't feeling great and we'd realised the extent of it. But you can't, you can't look at that and blame yourselves at all because he was just a bit hot, and a bit funny in his tummy or whatever and you think he just needs some water and he'll be fine, so there's no way we could have realised what was really going on in there.
Then we hugged, sent him home, fine, we've all gone home.
A: At our age, you don't consider it could be something serious or fatal. When I've seen friends and they might seem unwell it's usually a headache, but you don't think oh my god, they've got something terrible I'm never going to see them, you just think, well see you next week, they'll have a paracetamol and be ok. I can just see in my mind when I looked at him and he said he didn't feel great and I just thought well it is a warm day! We'll go in the shade. I know I've had hot days where I just feel like I don't want to go outside and I've been walking around needing to go home and have an ice cream and a glass of water and I'll be fine. As you said, we said our goodbyes and I happened to be following him home in the car and as he turned off I thought, well, there's no indication that anything's wrong. I texted him just to ask if he was feeling better and he replied to say he was fine, and that was it.
Then when I got the call, I went back to my phone and just was like, I don't get it, he said he was fine and now I'm getting this call later on at night and something's happened and he's gone. But connecting the two felt completely alien because we're so young.
We found out that Paul had said he didn't feel well and gone to his neighbour and then collapsed. The neighbour called the ambulance and then I got this call to say he's died.
S: I got a call from Paul's sister who I used to know from doing stuff in the church but hadn't spoken to for a few years. I just had these Facebook messenger calls from her, missed calls and missed calls from you. I'd been busy in the evening and then looked at my phone and had 8 missed calls between the two of them and thought this isn't great. You'd left me a voicemail saying that I needed to pick up my phone and there was something really important and serious to talk about, or something to that affect and then Emily got hold of me. When I picked up, I said is everything ok and she basically just said, no, Paul's died. I don't know what I was expecting, I probably hadn't expected anything yet, but there's still part of me that doesn't take it seriously that it can't possibly be right. The last time I saw Paul everything was fine. He was a bit headachy but everything was fine. Because there have been fairly prolonged periods of my life where I wouldn't see Paul because he was in France or wherever else, there's still a little part of me that says I just haven't seen him yet this year because he's away and I'll see him in a bit. It's one of those annoying film stereotypes, but I quite often see people and think, oh, there's Paul, oh, that can't be Paul. You know when you see someone in the distance and you mistake someone. Part of me is still detached from it, because of the geographical detachment between us at times and because, just like that, I didn't have time to, well obviously none of us did, but to know that Paul was dying and make peace with that or come to terms with it. I'm not necessarily saying that that must be a better way, because I know that having to go through that is a weird grief process as well. For some reason, I still feel a detachment as if it's not really true, that he's just living in France again.
“To now have regular communication, setting up a group after Paul passed, because we decided we don't want people going unnoticed, or people going through big life events without the others knowing about it.”
That's such a significant level of shock. I don't know, perhaps you'll never be able to grapple with the fact that you received that news and in an instant something so significant has changed. There's the notion of the glass vase being pushed off a table, sometimes you know it's coming, but sometimes you don't and it gets smashed and there's no chance of being able to put it back together. It's so hard to take in because it was just there, you just saw it and now it's smashed.
I wondered how you've reflected on it all, which you've started talking about already, but it happened a couple of years ago, which is relatively recent but do you think it's changed your outlook on things or influenced things? But all the while you're still feeling like it's not really true!
S: Yeah, there have been a couple, but not very many occasions since that we would have got that social circle together. So obviously we've largely been through the phase of everyone getting married, so those reasons for getting together are less. There was a cluster of those one summer whilst Paul was still with us, so there's loads of great pictures of that whole group together. I think there's only been one wedding since then, so for Paul not to be there is easy to excuse, maybe he was busy. But it's those events in particular that we notice that significant absence. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that all my social circles are slowly moving away, I'm still living in the city where all those groups were formed. People move away and that's what happens in life, people move apart. It doesn't mean the love goes away and you're still good friends of course but you just talk to each other less regularly. So to see Paul less regularly almost isn't that different to all the others who have moved away, but then in those moments when you come back and he doesn't is when you're suddenly aware of it. It might be different for you because you saw him more frequently than I did?
A: For me, it's little moments where previously something would have happened, I'd see something on TV or in real life and I would have messaged Paul about it and we'd have a brief chat and then carry on with our day. I'll see something and think I must text Paul and then I realise I can't do that anymore. Or I'll hear a piece of music that he used to love or we'd sing to each other in the car on the way to a wedding and think I should send it to Paul, but you can't do that. It's those little points where you just have a pause and I'm experiencing as if he was here, I smile to myself and I can enjoy that moment and think we would have had a little laugh. It's heartbreaking that you can't have that real life laugh with him, but I can still process it as if he were here and I try to do that in those moments but it is really hard when you have that absence, like a missing person at the table. For me, it was the first Christmas drinks when we would have got together in the pub and I just remember dreading it because Paul was always there. It was usually the three of us plus whoever else could make it, but usually always us three. Just knowing that he wasn't going to be there was horrible. You just almost expect him to walk in the door because he's late getting off the plane back from France, but not the case. It's been tough, but you kind of learn to appreciate that the absence isn't always a bad thing, because when you're aware of it you can think about it and when you have that moment when you're missing someone, you can think about something happy that we did.
S: It's funny you mention things like music as well, because there are, well, Christina Aguilera for example, in my mind is exclusively attached to Paul! A lot of that 00's cheesy music is linked to him for me, just because of going on road trips and putting it on. We were driving in France and for some reason we couldn't get the French radio stations or they were rubbish, and the only CD he had in the car was Christina Aguilera, so I had to listen to that a lot more than I would otherwise! So that is in my mind as his, so if that comes on the radio, that's when I'll have a smile to myself and think that Paul would be pleased I was listening to it! In a sense, that music attaches a lot more value to those moments than, given the fact that he's gone, than if he was just somewhere else.
A: It's the same with 'Toxic' by Britney Spears! It's a song that I can't not picture us three dancing to in a club or something. We were at a friend's thirtieth in London and all this cheesy music came on and I'm so lucky that I have this video of us dancing away! It's weird, because he's got quite a deadpan look to his face in the video, but that's exactly who he was until he gets to us on the dance floor and then he's dancing away like a madman. You can just tell, it's classic Paul, where you don't necessarily know what's going on, but then you open up his personality by showing him something that he loves and he loves it and he shows you.
All those songs now, where if you do need that little nudge or that moment, you can put it on and for 3 minutes you can smile, laugh, maybe cry and then turn it off and carry on.
“In 2018 I was due to swim from Bournemouth to Boscombe, pier to pier for the British Heart Foundation and it was the weekend after Paul had passed away. It happened and I was crushed, and I didn't know if I could physical, mentally or emotionally get in the sea and swim for 45 minutes. I realised pretty quickly that there wasn't a more powerful reason for this charity, specifically, and Paul, to motivate me. I did it. It was very emotional, when I came out of the sea I was absolutely drained. I was on the verge of tears and it was just heartbreaking to know that he wasn't there.”
I wondered how the experience of a friend at the age of 30 might influence how you might live your lives?
S: I definitely have an awareness that I would like to be better than I do at valuing things, particularly moments with people. After that, actually that social circle, we didn't have regular communication, maybe because we'd had all the weddings and there wasn't the reason to hang out, so there wasn't a Whatsapp group or anything, which seems mad, because that's a group where there was always news, people moving, doing interesting things, having kids or starting businesses, but we didn't all know it was happening until we got together. So things like that, to now have regular communication, setting up a group after Paul passed, because we decided we don't want people going unnoticed, or people going through big life events without the others knowing about it, so we can communicate a bit more. That group is reasonably quiet in the grand scheme of Whatsapp, but at the same time, it's important and valuable that it's there. There are a few summer birthdays, so even in the past few weeks, sharing messages and pictures of the little ones that people have. It's been really valuable. So I think that's definitely something that's changed in my behaviour and our social behaviour as a group.
A: For me, it's hard to know if you're being a bad friend, because I don't know if people would tell you, but trying to evaluate and reflect on meeting up with friends, or whether you talk to people enough or not, trying to think how I can change, do I need to change? You live your life and until you realise that something's not right you just keep on doing what you're doing. We never had this group messaging, it sounds so simple now, why didn't we do it years before, but now that we've done it, it's here to use whenever we need to. It's really important and allows us to share positivity so quickly.
The other thing for me is enjoying the moment and appreciating it more. Taking a second to stop and really absorb what's going on, thinking whether I know when I'm going to see this person or group again? If I do, I can get excited for it, but if I don't then maybe I just need to enjoy this moment a little bit extra. Just smiling and laughing with people, not having negativity when you're together, because you want all the memories to be positive ones.
We talked about this earlier, but with both of you, there's a sense of fun and freedom, enjoyment, having a joke and valuing each other, not taking it for granted, that almost comes as standard with the both of you. The influence you have, because of your character, on those around you is amazing, because not everybody is like that! It is the sort of thing that doesn't get said, but I'm sure the proximity you have with people is appreciated.
I wondered how you've acknowledged Paul's passing? I'm sure there are formal ways in which you've paid tribute to him and we've talked about the music being a reminder, but are there other ways that allow you to think of him?
A: There's two things which I've done. One is to just have a photo of him. I printed it off and it's next to my desk. It's not in my eye line, but it's there in the corner and when I swivel around I can see him with the sunlight on him and I can smile, look at it and power through what I'm doing.
The other thing, and kind of on a tangent, but I went and got some counselling, through work, because I was being made redundant, which was a whole other thing, but dealing with Paul, dealing with redundancy, dealing with my dad who was ill at the time, it was a lot to process. One of the techniques there was to try writing a letter to Paul, to sit down for half an hour, with a time limit, and just have a piece of paper and a pen and just write to him. The idea was to try and get thoughts out that were stuck in your head, whirling around and put them onto paper. You don't have to read them back, but they're just there, out of your brain. My counsellor that you might get to the end of half an hour and all you've written is 'Dear Paul', and that's fine. You put that letter away and then at another point a month down the line you can come back and add to it.
I've done that a few times and the first time I did it I was really angry, upset and emotional, very negative, but it felt good after I'd done it to have those feelings and emotions, that connection in a letter that I could put in my desk and come back and add to. I found that it works really well, just for that half hour with a cup of tea on a quiet Sunday morning, just to get it all off my chest essentially. For me that was a positive thing and something that I'll continue to do, because I don't necessarily want to sit here and talk out loud to an empty room as if he was here, but writing to him feels a bit more tangible. I like to think of it as if I'm writing a long letter that eventually I'll post one day and get a response.
S: That's really profound. It sounds like a really useful thing to have done. For me, that's sort of what this process is about and why I think the Loved&Lost project is so good is to have the opportunity to express a lot of thoughts and feelings that otherwise you don't necessarily get to express in situations of grief. In that context, to be able to write it as if writing to him is really profound. We normally have a picture of him over there, but I think it's been moved because we're tidying up to move house. It's from Bex's wedding, we're all in silly hats in one of those photobooths. He's really smartly dressed but with a wacky hat on, it's fairly typical Paul!
My amazon smile is set up for British Heart Foundation, just trying to support that charity, he had heart complications that we didn't know about, so to be able to support that charity who can then support other people in those situations is really valuable.
The other thing that I think has been really cool, which might be more for you than me is your swimming, especially the pier to pier stuff, which maybe you can talk about, which is so inspirational.
A: Yeah, I'd completely forgotten about it! In 2018 I was due to swim from Bournemouth to Boscombe, pier to pier for the British Heart Foundation and it was the weekend after Paul had passed away. It happened and I was crushed, and I didn't know if I could physical, mentally or emotionally get in the sea and swim for 45 minutes. I realised pretty quickly that there wasn't a more powerful reason for this charity, specifically, and Paul, to motivate me. I did it. It was very emotional, when I came out of the sea I was absolutely drained. I was on the verge of tears and it was just heartbreaking to know that he wasn't there, because he'd said he might come along and watch. I thought, maybe he will, maybe he won't, but I knew he wouldn't be there, and he loved the beach. In the time before the swim and it happening I managed to raise quite a lot of money for his friends and family who I wanted to support as well. This swim, around his birthday, which happens every year would be a great way to remember him, so I did it again the following year, improved my time, made some more money and I thought, for as long as I can swim and for as long as this event runs, I'll do it. Unfortunately for this year, due to Covid it's not run and I was gutted, but as soon as the events back on, I'll be swimming and the pool is a place for me to reflect and in all this training I wasn't really thinking about Paul, but ever since he went and I did that event, the pool and swimming has got this connection to Paul. I'll often find myself just doing a few kilometres, you're just there with your thoughts and I'll often think of Paul. I'll think of the beach, the sea and holidays and it's a really positive motivator, because I'll think I'll do an extra few lengths just for Paul.
